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I have always had a hard time saying NO. This is a problem that has carried over into many aspects of my life and it is rooted in a character trait that i have…i hate to disappoint people. Call it what you want but it is the way I am. Learning your skills and discovering who you are is not just about finding your strengths but also your weaknesses. And for me not being able to say ‘no’ sometimes is a weakness.

But, this is a common problem

“The disease to please” as it has been called is very common. I pulled an interesting article googling “saying no” and they broke it down the main reasons people can’t say NO:

Why is it that men and women can’t say no — whether to onerous tasks or to enjoyable activities they just don’t have time for? Townsend says the reasons fall into a few categories of fears:

• A fear that we will lose a relationship with the person who is asking us for something if we don’t say yes. “As humans, we are relational creatures, so this can be difficult for us,” Townsend says.

• A fear of someone’s anger. “Most of us want to avoid conflict, so we will give in, not realizing that we are training the person to treat us this way in the future, by them threatening to get mad at us,” he says.

• A fear of hurting people. “This causes more damage than you would think, because we are not treating the person like an adult,” Townsend says. So we end up getting angry or resentful, or show by our attitude that we really didn’t want to say yes.

I ran into a situation at work where I’m caught between two of my managers on a task…a specific task of me traveling from around now until sometime into early December. Just to fully describe the seen my office is kind of like the office in the movie “Office Space”. There are about as many managers as workers and on a given day you can get tasked 3 or 4 times to do the same thing. But, you still have only one “main” manager who you answer to so in most cases you just ignore what everyone tells you and listen to your one main manager. The only problem I have, and where I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, was that my direct manager is leaving in a month and the guy trying to get me to travel will probably be the person I report to once he leaves.

So thats why I was so conflicted. First, we are talking about traveling over a holiday so I’m getting it from my wife anytime I bring this up. Second, I have all these people at work trying to make a decision for me. Third, I didn’t know what I wanted to do because it might be worth it because of the extra money. Then, I’m being asked about this trip every hour or some random person being nosey would walk up to me and say…”Hugh, hugh, heard they are sending you out for a month..that is rough, glad it isn’t me. Hugh, hugh.” (Don’t you hate it when people at work know you are stressed and they come by and make it worse by saying basically ’sucks to be you’).

So, how all of this ties in is that I basically created a problem by not being upfront and saying no. I’m interested in actually making this trip but just not right now. There are more important things than money and career success sometimes and that is family. Spending my Thanksgiving out in the middle of nowhere while my immediate family is at home and my entire family takes a “family picture” just wouldn’t be right. But, I left the door open at work and tried to please everyone and in my mind, by saying what I think everyone wants to here. In the end I sat down, individually, with both my managers and told them why I wasn’t going on the trip, when I would take the next opportunity, and how I felt about the situation being pulled in a million different ways. That was the best thing I could have done because even though one of them didn’t like my decision they respected it and know where I stand for the future. It was funny because this really went on for weeks and it finally didn’t hit me that I just needed to say no firmly until I saw an Ebony magazine with Alicia Keys on the front. The cover says how she “finally learned to say no” and when I saw it it just hit me that I have to do the same thing (that and how fine she looks). It was a light bulb over the head moment but I thank God it finally sunk in.

How do you say ‘no’ and mean it?

1. The direct ‘no’
When someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do, just say ‘no’. No apologising, be direct and succinct. If someone asks you to join them for lunch, simply say:
No, no thank you.

2. The reflecting ‘no’
Here you acknowledge the content and feeling of the request, then you add the assertive refusal at the end:
I know you want to talk to me about organising the annual department lunch, but I can’t do lunch today.

3. The reasoned ‘no’
Give a brief and genuine reason for the refusal without opening up further negotiation:
I can’t have lunch with you because I have a report that needs to be finished by tomorrow.

4. The rain check ‘no’
A way of saying ‘no’ to a specific request without giving a definite ‘no’. It’s a prelude to negotiation, not a rejection of the request. Only use it if you genuinely want to meet the request:
I can’t have lunch with you today, but I could make it sometime next week.

5. The enquiring ‘no’
A way of opening up the request, to see if it’s something you want to do:
I can’t have lunch today, but is there anything else you want to talk to me about, other than the new proposal?

6. The broken record
This can be used a lot, in all sorts of situations. Repeat the simple statement of refusal again and again. No explanation, just repeat it. It’s necessary to use this with particularly persistent requests:
No, I can’t have lunch with you.
Oh, please, it won’t take long.
No, I can’t have lunch with you.
Oh, go on, I’ll pay.
No, I can’t have lunch with you.

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